Whatifs

Almost a good two years ago, I had to halt my studies in Lasalle. You see, at that time, I was selfish. I was more invested in myself getting a degree in acting then anything else in the world. I wanted to be famous, I wanted to be on the stage, I wanted the fame, the glory, the thrill of acting. I wanted a lot of things and I did not even stop for a moment to think about the people who encouraged/discouraged, who saw things in a bigger light than I will ever see.

It wasn't the best choice, no one in the family truly wanted that. I suppose, through their love - at least even as they did not see it as something I should had gone for, they never really forced me into a chair and tied me up, locked away from the world. I took that step, even when I knew I shouldn't have.

Quitting the school will be one of the biggest regrets I have ever made.

One of the grandest mistakes I will ever make.

I can keep telling myself that I will, perhaps one day step foot back into the school again, once I'm ready, once I have the money, once I have that will. And every day I hang my head in shame, knowing that heck - how's that gonna be possible.

It's no life or death situation.

It's definitely not something I cannot live without.

But it hangs like a burdensome cloud, wondering about the what ifs' and what wills' - that cumbersome thought that rolls about my mind, fleeting thoughts about "what if I had just sloughed on, just what if -" This whatifs - these creatures, they never let me sleep, even if I try to overlap these monsters with other thoughts. They shriek the loudest. The clearest.

Even through all of that, I move on. I always tell myself that theres' gonna be something more, something more out there that I can find. A door closes, another door opens. It's hard to be positive sometimes watching others in the place I could've been - it's awfully painful. But there's no point in crying over split milk, draining myself with whatifs.

You, you who reads this spilled ink, understand that in life, there's always going to be moments where you find yourself drowning in a sea of whatifs, struggling to stay afloat. It's so easy to give up and sink to rock bottom, upset at yourself - distraught by the silliest choices that you make. It's not the end, it's not the end. Don't let yourself fall into this ocean of regrets, swim, swim swim.

You'll make it.

You'll make it.

You'll find another way.

There's always another way.

I promise.

So swim.

xoxo
evelyn