Life is funny

It's funny how life can turn out.

For a moment, you'd think you know what you are doing and then in a split second your world comes crashing down when you realise that you've been blind folded all along. Someone once told me, things happen for a reason, and remember that old saying, "If he really loves you, he'll come back"?

To be honest, I never once believed that silly old quote, (i mean afterall i'm aromantic, these romantic oneliners never get me ugh) because it was preposterous. If we take it into a more literal meaning; what if someone you loved died? Will he come back?

I lost a friend a long time ago and I still don't know why he's gone, or the reason he left, because it still harbours a broken puzzle piece in my heart. He's not going to come back even though he told me countlessly that he loved me. He was my hero, my bright light and honestly, I still don't know why he left without a word.

As I look back at the days when I cried my heart out (okay let's be real, I still cry my heart out) my woes and my pleads for him to come back, I never once picked up the broken pieces he left scattered on the kitchen floor and I never once blamed him for anything he did. He was a mess, he was my mess and even as I sit here now, pondering what it would've been like if I had talked more to him, I know the situation would've remained the same. He held himself in a jar and never let me in; no matter how hard I tried, and yes I still feel awful for not trying hard enough.

Everything happens for a reason.

You left and I blamed myself, stabbed a wooden stake down my own head relentlessly to remind myself how it was my fault for not doing anything even though I tried. But an epiphany hit me today as I penned my thoughts in my other blog (shh) because if you had never left, I would have never realised the many mistakes I made and that holy grail shrine I made of you was completely inaccurate. You weren't perfect and you weren't my hero, all the while as I watched you with great adoration, I forgot to think about myself.

And I was dying inside because I never wanted to disappoint you and you alone. I disappointed myself time and time again but it didn't matter; you made me think that I didn't matter. I wanted your assurance, I wanted your satisfaction, I wanted to be you so much I lost myself in that maze you created for me.

I sit here today and I had a realisation that I've done nothing but disappoint myself in order to please others. I cry because I disappoint people, not because I've upset myself. I am insecure because I fail to make other people happy.

That was what you wanted from me but that's not what I want from myself.

I fought hard to not be like you only to find myself nearing the pain you held in your heart. All my life, in fact, I am still just trying so hard not to disappoint you. "Timber wouldn't want this." "Timber wouldn't approve of that." "He won't be happy if you just give in, no matter how much you are suffering right now. " "If he can fight, so can you."

On that crossroad, I made a decision on impulse and I never thought about me, I thought about you. If you had been there that day, you would've told me that I did good and that I followed my instincts; I chose the right thing. My instinct wasn't ready to choose, my instinct was faltering but I jumped into the drain anyway, like that day you told me to try to leap across the bridge; I jumped and I fell.

I didn't get up.

Until you walked off and I panicked, struggling up and following behind, limping and hurt and sad that I disappointed you; vowing to do it again until I get it right. By the way, I can do that but it doesn't bring me any satisfaction, the same way it does to you.

I believe that you left for a reason, I hope I found that reason.

And if I made the wrong move, I'll find my way back; after all, things that I love have always found a way to find me even when I leave.

xoxo
evelyn