Stonic.

I'm afraid of many things. I am terrified of humane things, I'm morbidly obsessed with trying to protect the things I love with everything I've got. I lose myself in my little maze to remain stagnant and quiet in the safe arms of life because I'm plainly daunted to be dauntless. I'm not brave even though it's my life quote to be "free and have courage", I'm too clueless, too reckless and much too happy in my comfort zone.

Human error.

I'm emotional and often too aloof - I'm a paradox of my own self and I can't figure out anything even at 21; I want to but I don't want to. I'm so afraid to be wrong and I'm distressed every single time I am pulled away into a dark black abyss. I need a rope, I don't want to fall into the rabbit hole without an idea of what's underneath; yet I fall.

I don't make sense and my words buzz with the shadows of my own doubt. I need to find logic and I never thought I'd see the day that I trust my heart instead of my head. I am a thinker, I require the pieces to the puzzle; I need to fix it together before looking at the picture in full. I'm a walking human catastrophe because I barely fix anything.

I rattle my own bones and hope that with enough help they will still and silent. How can I be my own knight yet my own dragon? I fight battles that burn within the depths of my skin. How I aspire to be one of you who walk with sanguinary faith, how I crave for such beauty and braze. My heart's indecisiveness is on a lockdown with my head's fears and wants: I'm so scared to be wrong, I'm so scared to be right.

Why do I wonder about the fears when I can ponder about the brimming pool of knowledge; the new experiences and a brand new life? I've always thought I wanted this. Thought. I can never be certain but I don't want to be stuck in limbo, my life as still as safe is never what I wanted. Dearest younger self, you'd never expect this but I'm hesitant on doing something I've always said I wanted to do.

I cannot express my thanks for those who have shed the light onto my blind eyes, the one who has pushed me countless of times even as I tried to run away. Fight or flight? In the end, even I know I can't run from this forever. I devoured your knowledge as it spilled, desperate to figure out an answer.

I can't.

You cannot give me the word. Only I can decide and only I can choose to fight or flight.

There's always that point in time where your life falls into a crossroad (which was formerly my blog name) You have to decide, and you have no time. When it calls, there is an urgency of time - time? Do we have time? They say we have forever, but I know it's only a matter of daylight.

I could convince myself that everything will be alright and that I should never be afraid. I have to be brave and take this step by own: someone once told me that we live alone, we die alone and we forge alone. We don't. Not anymore, not if we choose to accept the help. Decisions, we make alone, but the journey to decide is one made by many of help.

Could I be wrong to do this?

There's never a right answer.

But I've decided to accept the future's pave.