fragmented

Hello my dearest forest friends - some days I look back at my blog and I question myself - why did I use to address my readers as my forest friends? What was the reason I dubbed thee as forest creatures? I suppose if I were to explain it, I would first have to expound on what this blog initially meant to me. 

I have used this space as a diary of some sort. A spot where I could sit and journal down my thoughts, my feelings, and the things that I have done that made me feel some sort of way - whether happy or sad. In the Scarlet letter written by Nathaniel Hawthorn, the forest is a symbol of nature's relationship with mankind; as a place of refuge and as a place of empowerment. Likewise, I see this space as somewhere I can seek a quiet refuge from the daily noise of the outside world, to clear my ever swirling thoughts in my head. 

And you, my dear reader, are the creatures that seek the same refuge as I do, sitting around this imaginary campfire with me as I regale my tales to you. 

I am back again, after not blogging for many moons. I have been busy, my life in a whirlwind of activities. It is not as if I am not free, no doubt, I do have my free time - but I find myself surrounded by friends on my off days - instead of taking the time for myself. Now that I have some time to spare, I am trying to regain myself and my fragmented mind, doing things for actual personal improvement - not things related to work or to the people around me. 

It felt good today, being able to go to the library by myself and pick out a book from the extensive shelves. Being able to order a meal and savour it all by myself. I realized I haven't done that in years. Eons. I haven't had any time to myself to sit down and try to collect my thoughts. I did for a while today and I find myself lamenting the years I refused to eat alone - it's actually not that bad. I might try it again. It's almost like having a date with yourself. 

I think I haven't gotten the time to sit down and learn about myself. I believe we all have the time, we just don't make it because we fill it up with people that we love, things we want to do with our partners, and games we want to play with our squad - so much so we forget to sit down with ourselves for a bit. The world is filled with noise, escapism, and pretty shiny things we want to collect. Everything is at our fingertips, we fill up our time that we are so afraid of wasting with "important things and important people" we often forget to slow down and appreciate ourselves.

I blame social media - even media in general - but at the core of it all, it's sort of usually my fault. I'm the one who doesn't say "no" to friends and I'm the one who chooses to binge watch 10 seasons of TBBT to fill my head with mindless noise because I'm afraid to deal with my thoughts, instead of actually sitting down and compartmentalizing these fragmented goals - things I want to do, things I want to improve myself with.

I guess while I have the time, I should discipline myself a little and work on me.