HELLO MY FURRY LIL FOREST ANIMALS
And it's New Years Eve already. Can ya'all believe it? One year of our lives have passed within a blink of an eye, but haven't you heard that like the past god knows how many times ever bloody damn New years where everybody just talks about "oh gosh look at that, one year has gone and passed"? It's like that wake me up when September ends joke where we all try our best to say that at else once during September lol.
Anyway, this is probably crazy (you can hear the sarcasm) but 2015 was really honestly an eye opener for me this year - YES WE'VE HEARD THAT EVER DAMN YEAR EVELYN - but really, this year was filled with a buncha crap that really made me question my life in general, tons of good with the bad and a LOAD of existential crisis.
I call this year, 2015, the year of EXISTENTIAL CRISIS'S'.
It sounds horrifying - yeah no shit, it was horrifying but by god I've learnt a lot of things this year that have really made me question myself, made me slowly form into something that perhaps I can be proud to call myself, the year that I turned 21. There were a BUNCH of things that I've been through this year, and I'm proud of whatever I've done, whether it was recklessly stupid or downright amazing, even though I still suffer from insomnia thinking about it, I can't say I regret anything I've done this year.
So guys, thank you for sticking around my almost non-existent blog as I regale you the tale of my 2015 (which I will probably do so on my vlog, except I guess, it's somewhat more private here but then again, what the heck is private online?) I'm actually pretty embarrassed to say some stuff here but I'm learning, okay guys, it's all part of the learning experience.
This year, I started out with a bang, literally, as I played with fireworks, celebrating the oncoming New Year and I guess it was a foreshadowing to the entire explosion of 2015 that will stick a long wooden pole up my ass and back out again, sorry for the vivid imagery, lol. I celebrated my 21st birthday with the people that I love and had a staycation with my friends and my older cousin - with the help of hotel quickly! Hello to young adulthood, I hate you.
I actually also started out my blogging sponsorships and new exciting advertising things on this blog and I'm really really thankful it turned out well for me because heck, I really do enjoy writing. On April, I travelled with my mother, NZ aunt, uncle and younger cousin to Genting together - our first roadtrip as a group - and by golly, it was the most fun I ever had. I'm so jubilant that I got to bond with my younger cousin!
In the midst of all this, I got into Lasalle's acting degree. That's right. I can never explain how mixed up I felt about all of it. The young Evelyn's dream, the one that I never though I would ever enter because I am not even certified to do any sort of acting. I did it. I did it but I didn't - I'll get to there later. (this is a touchy subject, but it's all part of my existential 2015)
June came and I declared myself as an Aromantic Asexual. I came out to my parents and they weren't really surprised - just very much puzzled and nonchalant. (thank god)
The next few months were a blur as I travelled in and out of Malacca, spending a lot of time with my two cousins and cafe hopping, blogging and occasional vlogging. I guess knowing that getting into a University was going to change my whole life so I did a lot of things that I wanted to cross off my bucket-list. (Did a bunch load of taobao hauls this year)
I took a lot of jobs the first half of the year as well, working through odd jobs and realising I really REALLY REALLY hate packing ones (even as easy as it is) because IT'S SO DAMN BORING. It was a epiphany moment because I disliked being quiet and not interacting with people for so long - or maybe it was the crazy soundtrack that popular kept on playing guh.
August rolled around and that was the month that gave me the worst kind of exISTENTIAL CRISIS MOMENTS OF MY LIFE. I started University life in Lasalle and I'll spare you the details but I met the best most amazing classmates and lecturers, had the most mind boggling classes that never needed me to wear anything but sweatpants and random home tees - the most eye opening experience in my entire life.
School, work and family unfortunately don't go together very well. I know I might sound hypocritical saying this but I guess I wasn't ready for University, both mentally and well, monetarily. Coming home everyday at a late timing only to see my dad still up and working his ass off, only to spend my Saturdays either working on assignment or working in general. I hated how I had to still ask my parents for money for books I needed to buy for school knowing that it's already burning a bloody big hole in their pocket. I was straining everyone, everybody, even myself.
It was a whirlwind of bitter sweet, even though school kept my happy whilst I was in it, when I got home, everything crashed. I realised that a lot of things in my life weren't that simple to just get, I realised that it wasn't so simple to do a lot of things in fact. I think my cried my lungs out and I still will, looking back, because I know I truly do miss it, both the experience and the people.
Even talking about it brings tears to my eyes but I think I need to let it out. It hurts to say because I know perhaps it's my recklessness that caused a lot of the situations to blow out of proportion and hiding it in my heart isn't going to help me. I know I will come to terms with it, maybe even one day head back to it, but as of now, even till today, I can't express how much regret and poignancy I feel everytime I even think about it.
Come September, I knew I had to do what I had to do. I thought about it, talked to many people, tried everything but I knew it was coming.
And that was went I thought it will all go downhill - down straight to hell. I thought I would even lose myself in the process of knowing that I probably dog done shit and everyone will judge me for what I've done - I kept it mum because I was afraid, I was upset, I was disappointed in myself. It was crazy. Everything happened and perhaps I felt as if I was some sort of failure. I felt as if I disappointed everyone.
But I had my family to back me up, even my parents, my brother, Michelle, my cousin and my best friend, Sam who never gawked at the reckless shit that I've done and held my hand through all the shit that had happened to me. I cried for a waterfall for like weeks on end but they never told me to shut up and deal with it. I am so fucking thankful for all of them, they were my anchor those few months and I appreciate all the love they have given to me, even in my darkest moments.
So thank you, thank you so much.
In the midst of all this, I went to Malacca BY MY OWN for the first time as well as explore JB with my best buds for the first time. It was the firsts of my own independent exploration and I felt marvellous, knowing that I held the reins to my own adventure. I VISITED THE HUSKY CAFE IN MALACCA AND had tons of crazy cousin fun.
October was a hell of a month filled with bucket list crossing and new amazing things. I got my ring light - THAT'S RIGHT.
And I started blogging more and more often - and I started hosting classes. I decided then and there to make youtube part of my life, I've always loved youtube and I loved making videos and being able to talk shit and not get hit, so I made a pact to do Friday videos.
I also entered a new whole journey of novel writing and found myself a small little fan-base who enjoyed my writings and actually hit 100k words on my novel as of November. I'm so proud of my work and so glad that there are people enjoying it. I'm currently in the midst of finding a publisher for my book (cross fingers) as well as finally trying to finish up a few chapters. Let's hope my novel works out well.
I watched a wedding take place and I realised how some weddings feel just unfortunate - and fell into a small hole of despair at the world, knowing that even as beautiful as the icing on the cake looked, the cake tasted awful.
I made my first ever lookbook and got 400 subscribers on my youtube channel! I also managed to maintain my blog for a bit, and won a blog writing competition for my KFC wings post! (thank you all who read that by the way) I also bonded with my mother a lot this month (even going to JB together), and I thank the universe for giving her a job that she finally finds peace with.
Near the end of October, my cousin and I went to Taiwan. ALONE. Together. It was our virgin overseas trip and flight alone together and I can't say how bloody ecstatic I am to tell you guys how freaking awesome Taipei was! I learnt so much being there and being unable to speak in chinese and found myself adapting to be more street smart and how important it is to be bilingual lol. (BAM. bucketlist crossed)
We visited Kimberly who now resides in Taiwan studying and I watched how two sisters found their bond even though they didn't get along when they were kids. It made me miss my own brother a lot and in that moment, made me truly understand what love is. Romance is for nuts, true sibling love is forever.
The overseas Taiwan trip was truly something amazing. We were not the most street smart teenagers and we weren't good at chinese but we managed through the 4-5 days that we were there and I am still completely stunned that we did it. It was my virgin taiwan trip and my virgin solo trip with my cousin, everything done by the both of us. I'd say it's the second highlight of the year, noting the 21st means bloody adulthood and look ma, no parents! Gotta admit, it was fun and confusing.
In November, I finally rekindled my friendship with an old friend from Secondary school who've I've not talked to in years and got my first ever legit writing job. It was truly an eye opener, watching my friend grow up into a mature adult and I'm still here, complaining about office wear lol. (hey but bucketlist crossed)
I joined NaNoWriMo and finished up a 60k novel and even got an award for it (yay me!) I also went to my first ever youtube gathering and met a lot of other youtubers, both famous and new, and it was crazy fun to meet these young teenagers with dreams similar to mine.
However, in the mid of this month, I had a bout of crazy insomnia and had relapses of Lasalle and a bunch of stupid shit I should've never touched in the past. I kept it in and finally let it pour out on my own brother, who was kindly, there for me at 3am in the morning.
ALSO GOT A GOPRO. (bucketlist is good bucketlist) Jed got it but, you know, it's mine too now. I also cut my hair. I have never ever swayed from leaving my hair as it is because I have like extreme PTSD from the old experience I had. I guess it was my security blanket, even as simple as cutting my fringe would give me a bloody panic attack. I think I mauled on it for days on end till I finally gave in and cut my fringe and my hair. (usually I rebond after I cut but I did not this round)
It might sound simple and stupid but it meant the whole world to me when my fringe was cut. I was so afraid it looked disgusting - I almost gagged when the hairdresser wasn't accurate. But heck, it turned out pretty good so I'm keeping it this way.
In December, the Cat Rat Dog gang was formed. I forced Jed to finally star tup on his youtube channel and found the days spent with my two best pals truly heart-warming. I went for my first ever Illumirun and HIT 500 SUBSCRIBERS ON YOUTUBE!!!! (i also got a sponsorship from shopback.sg but they haven't got back to me yasifhskhgsaluhlwhy) I shot my illumirun on the gopro for the first time and I HAD A BLAST AT ILLUMIRUN!!! PLEASE NEXT YEAR AGAIN!!
We also finally got our own PS3! ANOTHER THING ON THE BUCKET LIST CROSSED. I found my own monochrome fashion style and my childhood friend dearly denotes it as "soft grunge". Damn you Hida- I mean Leonard. We did 12 days of vlogmas completely. Consistently. Amazingly. And I did up my first EVER SKIT VIDEO ON YOUTUBE!
The month of youtube, I might even say.
Even though I had my little ups and downs, I finally found some sort of stable in my life. My family, youtube and writing. 2015 was a year of new experiences. A bunch of leaps that made me cut my kneecaps a bundle of times. I don't regret anything. I realised that the true people in my life are my family, specifically my parents and my brother (and my other brother from another mother), they supported me even as I got ploughed by my grandmother till I was bawling my eyes out and had the worst anxiety attack of the year.
I realised how much I need to learn as well. Both mentally. physically, for work, for school and for personal matters. My english has definitely crashed, by the way, even with the help of hosting classes. I guess if anything my New Years Resolution would be to improve my grasp of the english language and get my god damn voice back to the way it should be. Goodbye Singlish, hello old Nz accent.
I have come to feel complete and utmost appreciation and respect for my parents. They are brilliant people, they are wonderful parents and they are my the gems in my life. For all the shit that they've been through with me and my rebellious years, I am deeply apologetic. I have grown this year, I guess, I had gotten real soft during the past few years in Poly and now with work life, Uni life and LIFE, in general, I am more quieter, more noisy, the irony of everything that I am: I finally am working towards me.
This year, I hit the lowests of the low (yes i am aware lowest is not a word). I've hit rock bottom. Something I thought I would never do, but I found myself climbing back to the top. I guess if you have never experienced rock bottom, you'll never know what to do, or how to get better. I found me in the process, something I thought I was that I wasn't. I learnt that the boy who was once my hero was a villain, okay, an anti-villain after all. I cried, I laughed and I scraped my face a shitload of times, but I'm glad I'm still here and I appreciate those who have done so with me.
Even as readers, thank you. I am grateful. Thankful. Deeply sincerely appreciative of whatever 2015 has thrown me, and even as much as I've learn this year, I still think it's not enough. There's more to come but at least I'm ready, I think. I'm still a child. I'm always learning. But I've grown and even though I'm not content (i am never content) at the situations that I've been through and am that, I'm lovin' everything about it.
Cheer to the New Years, everyone. Thank you for being in my life, whether digital or not.
Thank you those who helped, those who cried with me, those who stood by my side, those who stood by the sidelines, those who gave me words of wisdom, those who hugged me when i was sad, those who held me and told me that everything's gonna be alright, those who laughed with me, those who wished my love, those who read my blog, those who watched my youtube: thank you. I wouldn't be me without you.
To another New Year of new experiences, old haunting dreams and finding the meaning of life and me. (also more existential crisis's', i can fuckin' feel it)
xoxo
evelyn
