she always picked him

It's been a while my forest bunnies. 

I feel like it's been eons since I wrote anything because I've haven't gotten anything I sincerely want to talk about. Well, here's a little story for you, for me, for whomstve' might be reading this old blog - perhaps one day I'll laugh at the sheer absurdity of all this. Today, I feel like I should pen this down as a reminder to myself. 

I've had an old friend, (I'm not childish enough to call her an ex-friend cause why tho LOL) and for a long time people close to me left me because of her. I never understood why, and always fought back, telling them that they misunderstood her personality and that she wasn't a bad person, no one is. Well, that's what I try to believe. They said she had motives. I never understood why, not that I bothered. I write this not in anger, but in deep sadness - that I never listened to the people around me, and that I trusted her with my life.

My friends, my family never liked her, but I did. And those opinions, to me, did not matter. 

My classmates stopped hanging around me because she was around, and it followed me all the way to university. I will always regret not trying to contact them again, that I honestly missed their companionship but I gave it away for her. 

I put her first. In everything I did, I put her first. I cheered her on, I gave her love. Everywhere I went, I thought of her, I thought of helping her over myself. I treasure my best friends. She meant the whole world to me, but I think, maybe, I was never anything but an umbrella to cover her from the rain. 

Perhaps, in some way or another, I knew. That she lied, constantly. Effortlessly. I played along because it was fun. Looking back, I shouldn't have done so. It only made it worse. It wasn't helping her as a person, I wasn't being a good friend, but I played along. I tried to believe everything she said, even though there were cracks in the wooden walls of lies and I couldn't help but wonder why she said what she said. 

She was a hypocrite. She called herself that, but I always told her that she was wrong. 

In that way, perhaps I was the hypocrite. 

She always chose him over me. It didn't matter who he was - it didn't matter how badly she was treated - my opinion never mattered - and I always had to be the last one telling her "I told you so." Even still, one after the other, my words were never taken into account and she never bothered to listen. Mistake after mistake, I tried my best to support her decisions, but I was always left in the dust and he was always by her side. 

I was treated like a doormat. 

It's funny. I've always been the assertive one but with her, it's different. I let her have her way and I never once stopped supporting everything she did. All the time I spent on helping her would never be returned, not that I asked for that - she never really bothered the moment she had a guy by her side. I would be thrown into the storeroom, awaiting till she would break it off and come back crying to me. The moment she wanted to impress anyone, I would be used as a trophy, whether to be spit-shined or to be shown off. I never bothered. I was mildly annoyed but it didn't matter.

It should have.

The foundation that we built for years only crackled when I finally met someone else who showed me what a real friend was. Unconditional love, real mutual trust, loyalty, respect, he gave me all that in a span of a week and I saw what she was - even though I held on to her, I finally had the courage to fight. To tell her the things I felt, to rebuke her. She wasn't pleased - then again, who would? 

The bricks crumbled when she used me again, and again, and this time I had a true friend who stuck by and told me that the friendship with her was toxic and that there was no point trying so hard to help someone who didn't want to be helped. 

It finally eroded and I kept my distance. 

Quietly, maybe even stupidly, I was hoping for a sincere apology.

She never bothered. 

All the times I stuck up for her, supported her and helped her through her crisis'. I threw people away for, my health, my time, my effort - to realize all of that had gone to waste and that she never even treated me in kind - I tried my one last ditch effort to patch things up. Even though I was battered, beaten and tired, I sincerely enjoyed my friendship with her. 

She never bothered anyway. 

Today, I'm letting go. 

You've always picked him over me, now it's my turn to pick him over you. 

Thank you for the memories, for the laughs, the pain, the happiness and sadness. Fondly, I will remember them, fondly I will leave them finally behind. There's no one-way friendship, there should never be. I was a fool to believe you ever were my friend, and I apologize for never saying no. 

Today, I'm done. 

Maybe you want to keep pretending that all is fine, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm done lying to the people around you and I'm done dying to myself. I'm done crying for her. I'm done waiting for her genuine friendship.

Goodbye, Joy. 

It was nice knowing you.