My gender identity
Whatsup my readers!
I'm also trying to regulate my blog and post up more things often so you guys won't feel bored - I've got a thing against commitments and that's basically another reason why I don't like relationships so much. I have this thing called independence and commitment issues so bad that I can barely even go out on a date with my blog without running off to do something else within a few minutes.
Anyway, thought I'd brighten up my blogs with more posts other than reviews and adverts all the time! Here's a topic that I have been wondering about ever since I was in Primary school and even up till now, I question society's labels on gender. This post is very personal so please take it seriously even though I'm sarcastic like 2000% of the time.
As you know, as the world grows more technically advanced each day, the internet basically networks you to the international parts of this universe, creating diverse interactions between one another and just having more information about different unique people. Everyone is unique and everyone's gender is unique.
In the past, people were more strict, heterosexuality was the only one that could be seen as a real kind of gender - homosexuals were frowned upon. Anything that was deemed different was frowned upon in any case; but nowdays as we advance forward into the society, things changed and more and more people opened up to the idea of the LGBT community.
Bisexuals, Asexuals, Homosexuals, Transgenders, Pansexuals; the list goes on. Nowadays we might be a little more open minded to such practices but the idea of anything else that isn't heterosexual is still deemed as laughable or wrong. We still have suicides and killings because of something so simple as your gender.
Here's my story.
When I was a kid, I honestly did not feel happy with my body. I never felt like a girl and I never felt attracted to boys; I grew up with my cousins so my parents took it as I was extremely tomboyish, I preferred cars to barbie dolls. I played anything else that wasn't pink or frilly, I steered clear from flowers and dresses; only wanting to cut my hair short and dress up in my cousin's clothes.
In primary school, we learnt about periods and how GIRLS were only going to get it. I mused over and over how much I did not want to be a girl and how I DID NOT WANT to bleed every god damn month and how I did not want to get pregnant and basically did not even want boobs. I found everything about being a girl repulsive and tried my best to be as a guy as possible.
Until I cut my hair short and got called a butch and people suspected me of liking women because I dressed too much like a boy. Initially, it did not affect me, but sub consciously, I wondering about how people saw me and how some girls actually avoided me because I did seemed more of a boy than a girl.
I tried to not let it bother me but THAT and the entire puberty thing was making me a little confused. Was I a lesbian? Why did people make fun of gays? Should I make fun of them as well? What's wrong with me? My parents, thankfully, were very supportive of what I wore and did but everything just felt weird - people around me were having relationships and wearing dresses and I was still stuck in my camo jeans and male tops.
There was something wrong with ME. I didn't like dresses, I didn't like long hair, I didn't like high heels, I didn't like BOYS and I took it as there was something wrong with me. Since the girls avoided me in primary school because I was acting too much of a boy and made fun of me being a butch, I decided to act like a GIRL, even wearing a skirt for the first time ever on my birthday.
The entire Secondary school life was confusing. Somedays I wanted to be a boy, somedays a girl. I fought myself whether to chop off my locks or rather to keep it. I found myself even liking BOYS and GIRLS because I liked the way their faces looked or the way the dressed. It was extremely confusing and I shouldn't have tried dating - it was just the same old thing where I felt wrong and not happy. I liked hanging out with them but i never liked the dating activities like hugging or kissing.
Which was weird because I hugged and kissed my closest friends but whenever I was with my dates it just felt wrong. It was strange and I didn't feel the "fireworks" or the "happiness" of anything. It just felt strange and wrong. I thought maybe, JUST MAYBE, I'm not straight. Since I found girls attractive as well, perhaps, maybe I'm a lesbian?
I dated girls. It was better than dating boys to be honest. But it didn't feel right as well. All the hugs and kisses - they were romantic feelings and I never once felt that. NEVER. I thought I did but it was just my curiosity getting the better of me. Was I bisexual? What was I? I fumbled with the labels and worried on what I was and how I felt disgusted about romantic sexual attraction towards both genders.
Was I a defect?
I found both genders attractive, no doubt. But I never wanted anything more than to be a friend. I wanted to be pretty but at the same time, I wanted to be a guy. I had named myself with so many labels, I was straight, I was a lesbian, I was a bisexual, I was THIS close to calling myself a Pansexual.
Then I found it. It wasn't something made up, people actually felt the same way I felt. It was a real gender identity but people made fun of it saying it's not real or how you can't be that! You haven't met the right guy yet! You want to know what I think about that? Fuck you to whoever has told me that being an Asexual is a lie.
My entire life as I was growing up, I was so confused and just wanted to be normal - and I thought that Genders were basically only two groups. I was laughed at and I laughed at people. I thought I was wrong and sick and NEEDED to be straight. Now I'll tell you what I am; no more changing any of the labels because I know what I am now and no one can change it.
I'm a genderfluid asexual.
Genderfluid: Moves between genders, their gender is not something that they or anyone can pin down and define.
Asexual: The lack of sexual attraction to anyone, or low or absent interest in sexual activity.
That's what I am and there is nothing wrong with it. I feel slightly towards agender and aromantic, but I can't help but sigh at the aesthetics of some people because you really look charming/beautiful but I have no intentions of anything romantic or sexual towards you. I just want your face please.
To those who laugh at this post, close this post and keep your opinions to yourself. This is what I call myself and there is nothing wrong. In fact whoever who labels themselves as whatever they deem fit; there is nothing wrong and nothing to laugh at. I'm a supporter of the LGBT community and I was led astray by the majority of people who took being gay as an illness or a plague they should avoid.
No more of that. We are living in the 21st century, countries are legalizing gay marriages and more people are standing out as their identities, from famous actors/actresses or singers. There is nothing wrong and to whomever who calls it out as a defect; you sir, please take your sorry ass and get your tiny narrow minded head away from me.
No, it's not a phase. No it's not an "experiment".
One more time I hear the sentence "You just haven't met the right guy", you are dead to me. Honestly, how can you just say things like that. So heterosexuality is a RIGHT?
To those out there who feel pressured by society's ideal of right and wrong, I will stand beside you. There is nothing wrong and no matter what, don't ever ever EVER try to change yourself and force yourself to do shit you will regret for life. Don't ever try to be something you are not. You are beautiful, you are you and I love you for it.
For those who label themselves as asexuals, people will laugh and point and even make fun of you saying that "you will get married one day than you come back and tell me". You'll show them that they are the fools. Don't force yourself, please, don't ever force yourself to try to love someone else. Love thyself first.
I stand with you. You are not alone.
xoxo
evelyn
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